Don we now our gay apparel
by Hasty
Summary: Alfred Pennyworth saves the Justice League from ugly sweaters.


**I don't own any of them. Here be silliness.**

Wally West was very cautiously optimistic. His local rogues were very quiet, since Mirror Master now completely understood that any misbehavior on his or his friend's parts around Christmas tended to impact the donations that supported the boy's home he'd grown up in. To be fair, Wally hadn't asked Bruce to do that, but hey, as long as he got to spend Christmas with Linda, he didn't mind much.

Two days before Christmas, and he'd finally gotten his shopping done, and had a day off. He was kicking back at home when his League communicator rang. Always something, he thought, as he ran toward Gotham.

00

To his surprise, there wasn't any signs of a rampage in Gotham. Just a slim, well-dressed man with a fussy mustache, waiting by City Hall with a preoccupied air and two heavy bags. Wally recognized him immediately.

He blurred into normal perception.

"Hi, Mr. Pennyworth. What's wrong?"

"Change into civilian gear and meet me in Robust Beans, two blocks away. I'd prefer not to attract Batman's attention."

00

"So, what's up?" Wally asked, impatiently. "No one's blowing anything up, and you-know-who tends get annoyed if we show up without invites."

Alfred reached into a bag.

"First of all, I regret to say that Master Bruce's many talents completely fail to extend to the domestic sphere. The few times I have had to leave Gotham, I've made sure the refrigerator is well-stocked with premade food, otherwise I'd fear for his life. Unfortunately, he attempted to take up knitting this year and decided to make you all gifts."

He produced the _ugliest _sweater Wally had ever seen in his life. The neck was too big, the shoulders were too broad, and it appeared to have been made with three different colors, all of which clashed.

"I have, of course, made replacements and wing covers. I'd like you and Green Lantern to dispose of these. _Discreetly._"

00

John Stewart whistled. "Dang. What did the wool ever do to him?"

"Got any ideas?" Flash asked anxiously.

Hawkgirl and Wonder Woman examined the sweaters.

"Are they..some sort of mating garment?" she asked.

Shayera snorted. "Any one who would wear these _willingly_ ought to be prevented from mating. By force, if necessary."

"That's not fair," Superman protested. "What if they were colorblind?"

"Does that happen in humans?"

"Yeah. Mostly in men, and usually on the red /green spectrum."

"What are we going to do with them?" Flash asked.

John shrugged. "Head to Oa, see if anyone knows of a species that'd fit these and doesn't mind the color."

00

They found Katma Tui chatting with an unknown Green Lantern. He looked like he was carved from dark quartz and sported an odd uniform.

"John, this is Ran Lop Fan, one of my recruits," she said.

"A..Green Bell?" John asked.

Lop Fan tried to smile in John's direction. "Many of the concepts that these Corps are run on are completely untranslatable to my species. We live in a dust cloud."

"Ah," John said. "You wouldn't know of any species that needs nice warm coverings, would you? Or do you.."

"My species likes it nice and cold," Lop Fan replied.

"Couldn't you give it to your own species?" Katma asked.

"Trust me, Batman'd find out. And since he _knitted _the sweaters in question.."

Katma raised an eyebrow. "The human who can do everything can't knit?"

"Or bake," Superman added. "Found that out the year after he adopted the first Robin. Nearly burnt the house down."

"Can we get back to the problem?" Hawkgirl asked.

"There is a neighboring species that has been struggling this winter. A largescale volcanic eruption changed the climate and wiped out half a continent's worth of farmland. Unlike my species, they do see, but in a different _untranslatable, untranslatable,_ I forgot the word," Lop Fan said.

"'Spectrum,' I think. We'll direct you to the planet," Katma said.

00

"That went well," John said. The species turned out to see in infra-red, and the sweaters were given to the seven most powerful big-wigs. Superman had also brought along a number of blankets and sleeping bags from his home town. The local kids had outgrown camping, John figured. Anyway, those and the relief shipment were happily accepted, and the League headed home for Christmas.

"What are you doing when you get home?" he asked the others.

"Nothing," Hawkgirl said.

"Christmas Eve Mass," Flash said.

"Ditto," Superman said.

"Um..helping Green Arrow and Black Canary distribute toys in Star City," Diana said.

"Yeah, I got roped into playing Santa Claus this year by one of my old buddies," John said. "J'onn's helping Batman out."

Shayera looked thoughtful. "I could ditch the wings for one night."

"Flash, don't you _dare _eat those cookies on the counter!" Superman called.

00

One week later:

"Oh, my. Look they fit right under my wings," Shayera coo'd.

Diana eyed herself in the mirror. "Maybe I should keep it strictly for my days off. A shame, really. It's quite..pretty."

Batman looked pleased. They exchanged pleasantries until he had to leave for Gotham.

00

"A quiet night, Master Bruce?"

"Thankfully. Joker and Ivy are drugged up to the gills this time, and the others tend to stay quiet until New Year's," Bruce said. "By the way, the League liked your sweaters."

"I had been hoping to keep you in the dark about that, sir."

"You should know better, Alfred. So what happened to the needles?"

"I believe they disappeared. Funny how these things happen, sir."

Bruce nodded. "Yes, I suppose so. And I notice that we seem to be short on baking supplies- enough for an apple pie and two dozen gingersnaps."

"Really? Must be a coincidence," Alfred said, looking as innocent as he could.

"Yes, indeed."

Thank god Luthor had never learned about Superman's weakness for baked goods.

**Uh..review, please?**


End file.
